it's raining today and last Wednesday was the last time I heard from great clam in the sand trail...interesting that I feel so detached about that since as it is, it's a very abrupt situation, won't be sleeping in the same bed because I hog all the covers and don't share...my dogs peed the floor so they can't come in...I took forty dollars for work I didn't do so the work I did do is classified 'by him' as 'for services rendered' which I guess if you count the wreck of the house, the truck that doesn't run and so forth,it's all a moot point and one which maybe we shouldn't think about too much because it is rather irrelevant and not worth considering since it's over a week ago that I was there and now I'm not...and I wonder what it is about, what did I do? or not do...I was getting rather ambitious about what I might do...this that and the other, but then it turns out that no it doesn't mean anything other than there was a spark in my eye that ignited some ideas in his and those turned out to be explored and now he's apparently done with that and moved on to whatever comes along...which as it happens isn't much in this part of the world...it's raining and where there might be tears on my part the give and take of this particular episode was so perfunctory other than his making the coffee in the morning and watching the critters out the window with his binoculars..yeah...I'll miss it I guess I guess I thought I was something special and I wasn't...I never did get that thing about somebody using you for your physical being, it never entered my head ever and still doesn't that this is what some of us do..like we're the pavement on which they walk...granted I don't give everyone the same consideration, take the couple that just bought the house that was foreclosed that I owned and paid into for twenty years/about what 500x20x12= ($120,000 paid in over time) something like that, rubin and courtney and their two children...she had the second child in the car on the way to the hospital that's what I know about them and that's about all I know other than the house got foreclosed because those who said they were buying it never paid in a dime...funny how that happens, like this relationship, such as it was, which it apparently isn't because I say so after a week...strange that I can't look at him padding around his place in the ...can't even say that...but I'll look forward to my bigscreen tv tonight and hope I know how to operate it...and I'll be glad I don't have to water...and I'll kind of hold my breath and wait and see if what I feel in terms of being disappointed is just the anxieties of going through this 'relationship' thing yet again and finding that it won't pan out because a) person isn't in the same ballpark at all with goals and obligations and ambitions b)just doesn't love you c)really only needed the stimulation of the encounter...somewhere in there is the truth and there maybe also the thing about culture clash which I doubt is there because I'm not who I think I am either but I know that now and why that was under wraps I do not know but I'm good with that too...never have changed much about myself in that regard...and..finger middle right hand is wrapped in a bandage still great big cut there getting better on that but still tender and messes with the typing somewhat...
so, big sigh...glum face/attitude, goes with the rain...have to get back in the paint the house and tar the roof process weather will dry up by Sunday there's a big dance party at the Sekiu Center for Linda D's retirement and SolDucks will play so that will be fun..as far as the other goes...Cindy was out and about big time Wednesday getting the groceries for her crew of needy people while I was behind the eight ball running for the gauntlet with two elderly woman I was helping, one with her groceries and one with stuff that big C didn't do, once in a while she does but not often enough for the lack of ability of the woman in question...even the dog is looking crusty and she's supposed to be grooming that critter (there are 3)...
so...I guess I know that clam sand trail is masquerading ala Picasso and that's the Ganoa park memorial. where they landed and you could have it both ways and be happy but it isn't in the cards and that's the way it is...we've tiptoed long enough around the topic of our age difference, I can't help that I'm coming off at 17 that's 3 mile island effect...that's the way it is...but there it is too one side of my bed heaped in pillows and blankets for he who is not there and the other barely slept in because I don't turn in until I'm too tired to do anything else but
so I let this go because it seems the right thing to do...and then if he calls? well, if it's anything like the last incarnation of this kind of thing..it'll be further on down the road and then some...reading Sara's Key as a postnote to what ought not to happen...you get like this, like how I feel about checking and checking my cellphone for messages that are not there...and you could stand in that big auditorium in Paris and they could be as wicked and cruel to you as they liked but you wouldn't really be affected by it because you'd already know what they HAd done and that was enough right there to make it all be a simplistic brutal exercise in drumming the situation into your head that you are not in charge of all of this...you have to allow for the tides and the elements and the eagles and the salmon and whatever else is out there that demands its own piece of the action...the GROUSE??
so, big sigh...glum face/attitude, goes with the rain...have to get back in the paint the house and tar the roof process weather will dry up by Sunday there's a big dance party at the Sekiu Center for Linda D's retirement and SolDucks will play so that will be fun..as far as the other goes...Cindy was out and about big time Wednesday getting the groceries for her crew of needy people while I was behind the eight ball running for the gauntlet with two elderly woman I was helping, one with her groceries and one with stuff that big C didn't do, once in a while she does but not often enough for the lack of ability of the woman in question...even the dog is looking crusty and she's supposed to be grooming that critter (there are 3)...
so...I guess I know that clam sand trail is masquerading ala Picasso and that's the Ganoa park memorial. where they landed and you could have it both ways and be happy but it isn't in the cards and that's the way it is...we've tiptoed long enough around the topic of our age difference, I can't help that I'm coming off at 17 that's 3 mile island effect...that's the way it is...but there it is too one side of my bed heaped in pillows and blankets for he who is not there and the other barely slept in because I don't turn in until I'm too tired to do anything else but
so I let this go because it seems the right thing to do...and then if he calls? well, if it's anything like the last incarnation of this kind of thing..it'll be further on down the road and then some...reading Sara's Key as a postnote to what ought not to happen...you get like this, like how I feel about checking and checking my cellphone for messages that are not there...and you could stand in that big auditorium in Paris and they could be as wicked and cruel to you as they liked but you wouldn't really be affected by it because you'd already know what they HAd done and that was enough right there to make it all be a simplistic brutal exercise in drumming the situation into your head that you are not in charge of all of this...you have to allow for the tides and the elements and the eagles and the salmon and whatever else is out there that demands its own piece of the action...the GROUSE??
