first of all, I had to grieve this morning because another little kitten died and I think another little kitten went that way because I didn't make HIM the house cat either...I just let him fend for himself with the bigger kitties that were born to Rocki...he hasn't been seen since I left him out over night on the day I took in Sylvi's blac and white, I t hought she had given birth to four kittens. Right away I only found three and the smallest of those didn't qualify for a #9 transit. After several days of observing Runti Stepped On, as I thought of him...not actually sure of his sex so that reference remains vague...I decided he should be fed by me as he was not getting fed with the litter (combined)...I didn't keep him segregated in a box like I did this second kitten that just died, I let Runti Stepped On run with the herd..and so he came out from under the chair on the porch and lived up to his name..it felt like stepping on an egg when I crushed his skulll..I can't say I accidentally stepped on his skull, I can say that I saw him come out from under the chair after I was aware of the sensation of stepping on an egg...it was early morning he was crying for Sylvi. Sylvi has gone...not to return I suspect...so Runti Stepped On lived up to his name and that made me ill that I was the one that faciliated his passing...I wouldn't want myself in the witness box for cat cruelty because to me the experience was cruelty for myself to myself that I let t his happen and I guess that's how one learns to farm...by making tragic mistakes...unfortunate, sad and so forth, I cried pretty good this morning over losing this next kitten, the blacandwhi who lies in state on the backdeckroof...awaiting burial next to his brother in the flowerbed. Sylvi was a beautiful cat, part Persian, colored like an Orca, amenable to a lapsit and a pet, not like Rocki's three villians capable of scalple sturgeonry on one's extremies (hands bear witness to THAT!!)
which are what remain and have taken to sitting sphinx-like on the Denis couch wondering what other tragic mystery they can bring their human momi's whey...sorry, a little Joycian this mourning...
as it happens I didn't intend this as a eulogy to the blacandiwhi rather I thought to talk about how sad I felt to see he hadn't revived during the night (stayed up till after 11 feeling for a faint pulse which it seemed as though he had just faintly under his left front weggs...a tiny tick)..so I was bereft this morning to find him truly gone and wondered what was the process now? to lie in state I decided, foregoing the linen changing of the bed, retaining his tiny kitty smell on my hands with fresh clothing no perfume or toothbrushing to satisfy the quiet ache inside me that grieves into the unknowing quantity of perserverance that is life (well, that's a heavy topic but one must practice for these occasions and so it is that if it comes upon you to discuss it...so shall you do this and if more tears come, well that's what I was thinking this morning talking about Iblacandiwhi..)
I learned in this remorseful time that we as humans do not get to feel the great well of despair because we are (we think and believe) made in God's image..and he sucks up all the reallty really bad stuff with his supreme beingness...I would leave that to liturgical scholars to better define what I say...not that you put things in his hands so to speak rather you must recognize for yourself when a thing is that grievable..that you let it go...you give it to HIM, or he takes it or something...blacandi..blacandiwhi..blacandwhiI
this iWEEKEND was one of those revelatory times when tones was coming and brother said with the new GF and 'her' son...so was taking time around the house to load up on the fresh veg and the fish and the cookie recipes and he calls as says that GF has given him an STD...well, you wonder is she still in the picture (and he can't make it over...) so I suppose that plunging into the regret of not seeing one's child falls into the category of discovering kittens have died in that you wouldn't wail about it as much as you would get philosophical and 'blame it on Hitler'...the general cruelty of life and so forth...and that wouldn't be it either..
because we're in a nuclear age nowthings aren't as they seem..blacandwhi went with my little lilly while I was at Washburns I'm sure of it, good ol Escondido forte and all...meaning to say I don't have to explain that part but was concerned about blacandwhi when Sunday afternoon had come so he came along in his cardboard box of dinner napkins and vitamin order paperwork, all covered and snuggled and sleeping...we went up the road to deliver to the Exchange fresh genes from the post office and from under the actual garage and in the basement nice white plastic bag of good t hings I must part with because I am in danger of becoming a Whore.d/air: imagine that... when first married I would part with stuff easily...now I am in a different place I find each thing has its own meaning especially little kittens that one indulges with canned tuna jewess and so forth...watches them smacking their whips in delight...wondering if the ghost of John Lennon is upon me...listening to the cars roaring in the street, thinking that soon I shall trekk home again and carry on the rest of my day, blighted somewhat about inadequacies of pet parenting..wondering if my children have really abandoned me...my oldest son has left hawaii and come to phoenix...well, my thought on that is that damn right...you sit over there in an island paradise without the rest of us what do you think???
about time as well...but you know, they tend to not understand me very well, those guys and this thing with the dying kitty...it's like our misunderstandings with one another, they go on for a long time, sometimes...but they always resolve into a gratification of being a part of a family...well, I would think they do...but then again, not everybody in this universe and time has immediate exposure to 'GP'...hehe...gross national product and in this case salmon...how vague and how true and how much I rely on my new awareness that our belief in the Creator allows us to transcend the mortal plane in times of extreme grief to be aware that he has charge of that...not us...and not to thank him that it wasn't a child who died...there has been a child that died and I know she's with me, along for the rye.d...always...as they all are...so combined with that and the relationship gigs I get into where I spout off like a damn gray whale/lemming anyway...thank god I have my appetite...but what a wrinkly mess to look into...hehe...Muriel is almost blind...Verna is a patchwork quilt...Exchange should help as I didn't know really what I had and that's the other link in the chain as far as it all comes together...clip...just sit here and write it out...grievable...who was in charge of the Grievance Office, how many of THOSE did you write during your time? at cbcc/imu...well, you CAP it it sticks in cyberwriting...meaning it's availbe to shurch...did you notice I didn't men.shun JC at the picnic table where I first entered the MSC:entry position volunteer coordinator VC:et tu.brutus (she's actually a cannabis plant today)...hehe
so all those dumb rap sounds about some boogi smokin' some guise butt, hey, they ain't kitten charli...
how tuff does it mean to be? tisn't ever...there's pain and saa.roe and that's it...loved that job on the hill but when you got tu wild little rocker panels waiting in the wings to chew on the bits you're exposing well...time to forward on...but that money thing...that was really a relay coordinate...zaaaaappp...BACK into themix again wonder...peanut buddy and so on...apple in t he fridge hunger gaining some purchase (donuts, donuts...donuts...donuts...dooooouuuuuggggghhhhhhNUDGE)..YOU can starve from lack of love...you can enibriate yourself into dissatisfaction over your conscious being state...you can become aware of the pervasive influence of nothingness to the point where you will made arrangements to cease to exist ...or
you can believe that you have found the answer finaly...or kniew it always (the very tall lady in the long black dress a sensation you felt again standing outside the Empire State building...for the first time when visiting NYC) the answer being that you don't get to be that sad as a human being because taht's God's portion...not yourself...up to you to live a good life so he steps in at those times and gives you a swift kick in the rear end...(3 cases of beer and a lid...maybe...I'd say so, sometimes)...wherein the party animal in you gets with the program because he uses us as pizzas as well...we don't listen, he consumes...like my little kitties...he holds all the winning cards in the dealt hand..heck we even have someone here named DELTA..lots of folks with the last name including 'burg..as in hamburg...auschweitz, belsenbelsen...treblinka (need to research that one somemore, suspect 'it had something to do with trains and such)...lesson for today and immediate future...you didn't make the rules, you're a tough nut..it's going to be ok...god loves you enough to give you the life you have and yo ucan make the most of it however your heart requires...and listen to that because in this particular case you feel as though you're trying to talk yourself into caring aboutsomeone believing what your impressions of that are, when you've got to let go of the biggest piece of your heart you ever had to give in order to do so...and you feel as though that big chunk (like the candy bar..the big hunk) pull out a few teeth with that one...should get right in there where it was, all over again immediately...and it doesn't
so you feel a little angry with people in authority figures ie fire chief realtor business owner..figure they're all north K fucks with DOS written all over their .fat asses...just a little...hence dying kitties and ones left that have scalpels for claws in case you vaunt to pigg them .op hehe...OUCH!! so how to connect the dots...well big time cornholer is even more den s.call pull dude...he's Property Owner bank letter rider. fuck you in the arse dumbshit I don't care about you or nuthin cause I'm RED blood, see? red...blood...that's where I get the NKD liscense..lisa...vagueness, grief...can't happen...back to the MP3.player (tu)..k..I'm, gonna t hrow out some stuff here and just go with it..far as that's concrned..
once upon a time russell was everything to me and now he isn't...Paul was, once upon a time, as was John and then George...then Mark, then I was married and that was like the plague, an awful experience liberated only by the second..tommy, who I never had the slightest affection for, but was comforted by because he listened and udnerstood and told me how it was, so I abided in him and that died as well...somewhere in there my youngest brother died so now he stands in the doorway of that ethereal place we know as love and he watches who comes in and how glows in that light as I do in that persn's presence and keeps out those who do not qualify as baby fische...ultimately, that is the philosophical tender of parsing the binary library SEMENTEC..time to take out the two bags of it under the bookshelf in the kitchen, hehe
also time to go home and rev up for BS...think of that what you will, abbreviation is within its right to be vague...hint: last week it was letters from Paul...duh
oh, a few more notes on that whom I shall call Darla's boyfriend..Blazer.mike/the candy Mike and Ike..the phone bill etc...rev in up to head out the door, he says he comes by and I'm never there? huh? that's probably GNP and so forth because our life as we know it now is pretty damn austere in terms of human exchange and to hug a baby whale in lieu of him who is replacing the wonderfulness of what I believ in before...yeah..that's going to take some doing...I think donuts would help..aarreeviderci...
which are what remain and have taken to sitting sphinx-like on the Denis couch wondering what other tragic mystery they can bring their human momi's whey...sorry, a little Joycian this mourning...
as it happens I didn't intend this as a eulogy to the blacandiwhi rather I thought to talk about how sad I felt to see he hadn't revived during the night (stayed up till after 11 feeling for a faint pulse which it seemed as though he had just faintly under his left front weggs...a tiny tick)..so I was bereft this morning to find him truly gone and wondered what was the process now? to lie in state I decided, foregoing the linen changing of the bed, retaining his tiny kitty smell on my hands with fresh clothing no perfume or toothbrushing to satisfy the quiet ache inside me that grieves into the unknowing quantity of perserverance that is life (well, that's a heavy topic but one must practice for these occasions and so it is that if it comes upon you to discuss it...so shall you do this and if more tears come, well that's what I was thinking this morning talking about Iblacandiwhi..)
I learned in this remorseful time that we as humans do not get to feel the great well of despair because we are (we think and believe) made in God's image..and he sucks up all the reallty really bad stuff with his supreme beingness...I would leave that to liturgical scholars to better define what I say...not that you put things in his hands so to speak rather you must recognize for yourself when a thing is that grievable..that you let it go...you give it to HIM, or he takes it or something...blacandi..blacandiwhi..blacandwhiI
this iWEEKEND was one of those revelatory times when tones was coming and brother said with the new GF and 'her' son...so was taking time around the house to load up on the fresh veg and the fish and the cookie recipes and he calls as says that GF has given him an STD...well, you wonder is she still in the picture (and he can't make it over...) so I suppose that plunging into the regret of not seeing one's child falls into the category of discovering kittens have died in that you wouldn't wail about it as much as you would get philosophical and 'blame it on Hitler'...the general cruelty of life and so forth...and that wouldn't be it either..
because we're in a nuclear age nowthings aren't as they seem..blacandwhi went with my little lilly while I was at Washburns I'm sure of it, good ol Escondido forte and all...meaning to say I don't have to explain that part but was concerned about blacandwhi when Sunday afternoon had come so he came along in his cardboard box of dinner napkins and vitamin order paperwork, all covered and snuggled and sleeping...we went up the road to deliver to the Exchange fresh genes from the post office and from under the actual garage and in the basement nice white plastic bag of good t hings I must part with because I am in danger of becoming a Whore.d/air: imagine that... when first married I would part with stuff easily...now I am in a different place I find each thing has its own meaning especially little kittens that one indulges with canned tuna jewess and so forth...watches them smacking their whips in delight...wondering if the ghost of John Lennon is upon me...listening to the cars roaring in the street, thinking that soon I shall trekk home again and carry on the rest of my day, blighted somewhat about inadequacies of pet parenting..wondering if my children have really abandoned me...my oldest son has left hawaii and come to phoenix...well, my thought on that is that damn right...you sit over there in an island paradise without the rest of us what do you think???
about time as well...but you know, they tend to not understand me very well, those guys and this thing with the dying kitty...it's like our misunderstandings with one another, they go on for a long time, sometimes...but they always resolve into a gratification of being a part of a family...well, I would think they do...but then again, not everybody in this universe and time has immediate exposure to 'GP'...hehe...gross national product and in this case salmon...how vague and how true and how much I rely on my new awareness that our belief in the Creator allows us to transcend the mortal plane in times of extreme grief to be aware that he has charge of that...not us...and not to thank him that it wasn't a child who died...there has been a child that died and I know she's with me, along for the rye.d...always...as they all are...so combined with that and the relationship gigs I get into where I spout off like a damn gray whale/lemming anyway...thank god I have my appetite...but what a wrinkly mess to look into...hehe...Muriel is almost blind...Verna is a patchwork quilt...Exchange should help as I didn't know really what I had and that's the other link in the chain as far as it all comes together...clip...just sit here and write it out...grievable...who was in charge of the Grievance Office, how many of THOSE did you write during your time? at cbcc/imu...well, you CAP it it sticks in cyberwriting...meaning it's availbe to shurch...did you notice I didn't men.shun JC at the picnic table where I first entered the MSC:entry position volunteer coordinator VC:et tu.brutus (she's actually a cannabis plant today)...hehe
so all those dumb rap sounds about some boogi smokin' some guise butt, hey, they ain't kitten charli...
how tuff does it mean to be? tisn't ever...there's pain and saa.roe and that's it...loved that job on the hill but when you got tu wild little rocker panels waiting in the wings to chew on the bits you're exposing well...time to forward on...but that money thing...that was really a relay coordinate...zaaaaappp...BACK into themix again wonder...peanut buddy and so on...apple in t he fridge hunger gaining some purchase (donuts, donuts...donuts...donuts...dooooouuuuuggggghhhhhhNUDGE)..YOU can starve from lack of love...you can enibriate yourself into dissatisfaction over your conscious being state...you can become aware of the pervasive influence of nothingness to the point where you will made arrangements to cease to exist ...or
you can believe that you have found the answer finaly...or kniew it always (the very tall lady in the long black dress a sensation you felt again standing outside the Empire State building...for the first time when visiting NYC) the answer being that you don't get to be that sad as a human being because taht's God's portion...not yourself...up to you to live a good life so he steps in at those times and gives you a swift kick in the rear end...(3 cases of beer and a lid...maybe...I'd say so, sometimes)...wherein the party animal in you gets with the program because he uses us as pizzas as well...we don't listen, he consumes...like my little kitties...he holds all the winning cards in the dealt hand..heck we even have someone here named DELTA..lots of folks with the last name including 'burg..as in hamburg...auschweitz, belsenbelsen...treblinka (need to research that one somemore, suspect 'it had something to do with trains and such)...lesson for today and immediate future...you didn't make the rules, you're a tough nut..it's going to be ok...god loves you enough to give you the life you have and yo ucan make the most of it however your heart requires...and listen to that because in this particular case you feel as though you're trying to talk yourself into caring aboutsomeone believing what your impressions of that are, when you've got to let go of the biggest piece of your heart you ever had to give in order to do so...and you feel as though that big chunk (like the candy bar..the big hunk) pull out a few teeth with that one...should get right in there where it was, all over again immediately...and it doesn't
so you feel a little angry with people in authority figures ie fire chief realtor business owner..figure they're all north K fucks with DOS written all over their .fat asses...just a little...hence dying kitties and ones left that have scalpels for claws in case you vaunt to pigg them .op hehe...OUCH!! so how to connect the dots...well big time cornholer is even more den s.call pull dude...he's Property Owner bank letter rider. fuck you in the arse dumbshit I don't care about you or nuthin cause I'm RED blood, see? red...blood...that's where I get the NKD liscense..lisa...vagueness, grief...can't happen...back to the MP3.player (tu)..k..I'm, gonna t hrow out some stuff here and just go with it..far as that's concrned..
once upon a time russell was everything to me and now he isn't...Paul was, once upon a time, as was John and then George...then Mark, then I was married and that was like the plague, an awful experience liberated only by the second..tommy, who I never had the slightest affection for, but was comforted by because he listened and udnerstood and told me how it was, so I abided in him and that died as well...somewhere in there my youngest brother died so now he stands in the doorway of that ethereal place we know as love and he watches who comes in and how glows in that light as I do in that persn's presence and keeps out those who do not qualify as baby fische...ultimately, that is the philosophical tender of parsing the binary library SEMENTEC..time to take out the two bags of it under the bookshelf in the kitchen, hehe
also time to go home and rev up for BS...think of that what you will, abbreviation is within its right to be vague...hint: last week it was letters from Paul...duh
oh, a few more notes on that whom I shall call Darla's boyfriend..Blazer.mike/the candy Mike and Ike..the phone bill etc...rev in up to head out the door, he says he comes by and I'm never there? huh? that's probably GNP and so forth because our life as we know it now is pretty damn austere in terms of human exchange and to hug a baby whale in lieu of him who is replacing the wonderfulness of what I believ in before...yeah..that's going to take some doing...I think donuts would help..aarreeviderci...
