in the beginning, part of the logging camp

we came to neah bay when I'd finished the 5th grade.  I was due for 6th.  My brothers were all very small, barely getting into school, needing noses wiped and boots tucked into jeans for all t he rain.  we lived right on the breakwater, looking out at Waadah Island.  We were on t he Makah Reservation.  My father had a job with CrownZellerbach, a logging concern later sold to Weyerhauser and then James River Containment Origins.  It was all news to me as a child.  We'd been going to school in Bend, Oregon at St. Francis of Assissi.  The nuns wore black habits and scolded us a lot on the playground.  We were taught the meaning of good manners both at home and on the playground.  I've written about homelife in writers' group, at Neah Bay there was Cindy and Sally Thompson to contend with.  Besides having faces that would stop clocks, their intent was to not be polite and to be menacing.  It was an acquired skill to be able to deal with them in the classroom but when they decided to walk down to my house and let know what was what, that was scary.  I don't know if it was then I realized that some of us are actually animals but I think I started getting a clue going to school with Cindy and Sally...
I did have some friends on the res and  now I guess I got more t han that but they're still a bit on the taut side, easily given to complaint about this that and the other.  If you looked at how they live you'd see that yes, this is a home that needs some function and organization, like Dobe's kitchen for one...don't know t hat he even gets that it's uninhabitable, one greasy  hotplate and dripping cold water...pretty bad...he does keep it warm in there a pity for myself because I'm more the chillin' to the bone with my Polish stove.
I g uess what brings me here to start this essay is that wh wen I realize something is being happening for a reason and I get to know that reason then I want to talk about it but I guess this is one of those situations where you beat around the bush about the situation and don't actually say there is a fire in the sky and being a part of the Makah people during that time, well, that was what saved our bacon, their culture.  So now I have to go home and beat around the living room and clean it up good for my son coming to visit.  I should say that this is actually my mother leaving the DOS form she's had for a good long while and actually translating her female self into something optionally relevant t hereto...I.E. her Megan personality, I look forward to this, I'm thinking my children are going to be helping straighten up their gran and I feel like a rest...so, here we go with the win terra brothers, John and Robert...John in a macro version of himself assisted by the musician Tiny Tim...who is 6'4 and a bit goggly eyed/does play well, John is a consumate musician on the part with Beethoven..i.e.Pyotr Bei...we'll get it, it'll make sense...off with us now to make this all come about..

the afternoon after the hanging of the art...

ahhh...it is so good to finally be here at home writing...miss my children so much...and I've had phone conversations with the 'loved one' although it seems as though that has been thoroughly complicated by things other than what it is...interferences..people 'representing' that whom they are not...rushing in..being those someones...and they are not them...  very complicated..
went to the fair...'are you going to scarborough fair'..that I am..very heavy heart, due to the illness, probably final, of my mother...and the three ghouls sitting there at the table dividing up the spoils as though they were the ones who earned the right to do so...I know, I should be patient, that it will all work out to everyone's benefit..but it does not..and so it goes...talked to my daughter, she asked me, were you calling to see if I'd written you a check?? ...  no, not really, wanted to hear your baby's voice, see  how you were..I know th at money stuff will all work out, wasn't even concerned about that but there's that question..and it seems too harsh...phew...at last I can write here..worked towards it..slept oin the back deck...got up at 5:30am... fussed and fidgeted, missed chrch here..went to town, waited for things to open,  en voila.. things did not open for the flower building..they will be open on Tuesday...how I wsih for things to be as they should be..
drinking Dos Equis...on the last bottle..cats running in and out...sighing, he did talk to me..and now he doesn't...one wonders 'where does he go??' but he's here and I shall know so..like the grand display of pot roast with potatoes in gravy...peas...carrots..a subtlely flavored cake..some salad..nouishment...so it goes..had quite a bit of milk at breakfast...lots of coffee..out of reading materials, some movies...talked to Tim..he wasn't there..definitely a version of the product, probably the sharpening tool...not bothering with you...as though he could just shut me off.  ask Casares?  what was that, a version of Saar..time to take away the spider's webs..whatever..paltry conversions from Roe...what was Roe to me?  hmmm... the son-in-law of TWAIN of course, deployed the airlines to Hawaii that we had..diverted them to what?? little a's vi??
probably...sighs..should slleep on the deck again..kind of despondent due to T's response..he was gone momentarily...so it is...we'll see..

here comes the first fall flags...

I have been down with a cold going on 3 weeks now, it's not really even a cold so much as it is a sense of st uffed nose and deep chest cough/residual bronchitis that is pretty much gone b ut wants to remind me it was a doozy..  So last night I went to bed at around 8 in the evening, finishing the Hoffman book, Blue Diary, that I wrote a review of elsewhere in here, it's a beautiful story upon until about page 44 when bluebeard and company take on the happy ever after troupe and mayhem is given reign over the story line...on to the next tome, this one about Atomic City and the Rosie Riverters of WWII...my mother was one of those with her mother, everybody went to work everybody had to work because the Germans were doing bad things in Europe and these guys we called the 'Japs'..which doesn't sound as bad as the 'n' word but does mean something like it...were being a problem ...meanwhile
have to figure out what comes next in the car situation...weld the hatch hinge can't find replacement stopped at junkware in PA yesterday, hard to come by they say there as not many wagovans were made...of course, and it needs brake pads and a muffler for starters...we'll see how this unfolds...
otherwise have been painting the house, really slapping on the paint this morning, optomistically so becau se it's been gray and overcast though no sprinkles like yesterday evening...really have to sit down and paint waves and rest because I was up since 4 am today/go to bed at 8 pm that's what you get evidently...did empty out first bay under garage to explore the flooring situation get some wood lined up for deck project and be amazed some wire fencing is attached to a garage door bracket like how??
and, it's abo ut lunch time so I think I should mosey up to the library get my movies and get my lunch and maybe return..possibly..turns out I return and there is a truck out there, same o black truck like always  I've been to the Lions' shop made arrangements to borrow drill to remove wood screws on roof tarp and rearrange that tarp for better protection this winter will allso work on lower garage area add door and window to back end..here comes hinge mama...window mama..
brief eulogy for Joel...
always looking out the back portal where he'd busily made himself a spare pad (in case he needed it) but long given up the pursuits of l ife meaning that he bid this life adieu yesterday

it is Monday/yeti...

first of all, I had to grieve this morning because another little kitten died and I think another little kitten went that way because I didn't make HIM the house cat either...I just let him fend for himself with the bigger kitties that were born to Rocki...he hasn't been seen since I left him out over night on the day I took in Sylvi's blac and white, I t hought she had given birth to four kittens.  Right away I only found three and the smallest of those didn't qualify for a #9 transit.  After several days of observing Runti Stepped On, as I thought of him...not actually sure of his sex so that reference remains vague...I decided  he should be fed by me as he was not getting fed with the litter (combined)...I didn't keep him segregated in a box like I did this second kitten that just died, I let Runti Stepped On run with the herd..and so he came out from under the chair on the porch and lived up to his name..it felt like stepping on an egg when I crushed his skulll..I can't say I accidentally stepped on his skull, I can say that I saw him come out from under the chair after I was aware of the sensation of stepping on an egg...it was early morning he was crying for Sylvi.  Sylvi has gone...not to return I suspect...so Runti Stepped On lived up to his name and that made me ill that I was the one that faciliated his passing...I wouldn't want myself in the witness box for cat cruelty because to me the experience was cruelty for myself to myself that I let t his happen and I guess that's how one learns to farm...by making tragic mistakes...unfortunate, sad and so forth, I cried pretty good this morning over losing this next kitten, the blacandwhi who lies in state on the backdeckroof...awaiting burial next to his brother in the flowerbed.  Sylvi was a beautiful cat, part Persian, colored like an Orca, amenable to a lapsit and a pet, not like Rocki's three villians capable of scalple sturgeonry on one's extremies (hands bear witness to THAT!!)
which are what remain and have taken to sitting sphinx-like on the Denis couch wondering what other tragic mystery they can bring their human momi's whey...sorry, a little Joycian this mourning...
as it happens I didn't intend this as a eulogy to the blacandiwhi rather I thought to talk about how sad I felt to see he hadn't revived during the night (stayed up till after 11 feeling for a faint pulse which it seemed as though he had just faintly under his left front weggs...a tiny tick)..so I was bereft this morning to find him truly gone and wondered what was the process now?  to lie in state I decided, foregoing the linen changing of the bed, retaining his tiny kitty smell on my hands with fresh clothing no perfume or toothbrushing to satisfy the quiet ache inside me that grieves into the unknowing quantity of perserverance that is life (well, that's a heavy topic but one must practice for these occasions and so it is that if it comes upon you to discuss it...so shall you do this and if more tears come, well that's what I was thinking this morning talking about Iblacandiwhi..)
I learned in this remorseful time that we as humans do not get to feel the great well of despair because we are (we think and believe) made in God's image..and he sucks up all the reallty really bad stuff with his supreme beingness...I would leave that to liturgical scholars to better define what I say...not that you put things in his hands so to speak rather you must recognize for yourself when a thing is that grievable..that you let it go...you give it to HIM, or he takes it or something...blacandi..blacandiwhi..blacandwhiI
this iWEEKEND was one of those revelatory times when tones was coming and brother said with the new GF and 'her' son...so was taking time around the house to load up on the fresh veg and the fish and the cookie recipes and he calls as says that GF has given him an STD...well, you wonder is she still in the picture (and he can't make it over...) so I suppose that plunging into the regret of not seeing one's child falls into the category of discovering kittens have died in that you wouldn't wail about it as much as you would get philosophical and 'blame it on Hitler'...the general cruelty of life and so forth...and that wouldn't be it either..
because we're in a nuclear age nowthings aren't as they seem..blacandwhi went with  my little lilly while I was at Washburns I'm sure of it, good ol Escondido forte and all...meaning to say I don't have to explain that part but was concerned about blacandwhi when Sunday afternoon had come so he came along in his cardboard box of dinner napkins and vitamin order paperwork, all covered and snuggled and sleeping...we went up the road to deliver to the Exchange fresh genes from the post office and from under the actual garage and in the basement nice white plastic bag of good t hings I must part with because I am in danger of becoming a Whore.d/air:  imagine that... when first married I would part with stuff easily...now I am in a different place I find each thing has its own meaning especially little kittens that one indulges with canned tuna jewess and so forth...watches them smacking their whips in delight...wondering if the ghost of John Lennon is upon me...listening to the cars roaring in the street, thinking that soon I shall trekk home again and carry on the rest of my day, blighted somewhat about inadequacies of pet parenting..wondering if my children have really abandoned me...my oldest son has left hawaii and come to phoenix...well, my thought on that is that damn right...you sit over there in an island paradise without the rest of us what do you think???
about time as well...but you know, they tend to not understand me very well, those guys and this thing with the dying kitty...it's like our misunderstandings with one another, they go on for a long time, sometimes...but they always resolve into a gratification of being a part of a family...well, I would think they do...but then again, not everybody in this universe and time has immediate exposure to 'GP'...hehe...gross national product and in this case salmon...how vague and how true and how much I rely on my new awareness that  our belief in the Creator allows us to transcend the mortal plane in times of extreme grief to be aware that he has charge of that...not us...and not to thank him that it wasn't a child who died...there has been a child that died and I know she's with me, along for the rye.d...always...as they all are...so combined with that and the relationship gigs I get into where I spout off like a damn gray whale/lemming anyway...thank god I have my appetite...but what a wrinkly mess to look into...hehe...Muriel is almost blind...Verna is a patchwork quilt...Exchange should help as I didn't know really what I had and that's the other link in the chain as far as it all comes together...clip...just sit here and write it out...grievable...who was in charge of the Grievance Office, how many of THOSE did you write during your time? at cbcc/imu...well, you CAP it it sticks in cyberwriting...meaning it's availbe to shurch...did you notice I didn't men.shun JC at the picnic table where I first entered the MSC:entry position volunteer coordinator VC:et tu.brutus  (she's actually a cannabis plant today)...hehe
so all those dumb rap sounds about some boogi smokin' some guise butt, hey, they ain't kitten charli...
how tuff does it mean to be?  tisn't ever...there's pain and saa.roe and that's it...loved that job on the hill but when you got tu wild little rocker panels waiting in the wings to chew on the bits you're exposing well...time to forward on...but that money thing...that was really a relay coordinate...zaaaaappp...BACK into themix again wonder...peanut buddy and so on...apple in t he fridge hunger gaining some purchase (donuts, donuts...donuts...donuts...dooooouuuuuggggghhhhhhNUDGE)..YOU can starve from lack of love...you can enibriate yourself into dissatisfaction over your conscious being state...you can become aware of the pervasive influence of nothingness to the point where you will made arrangements to cease to exist ...or
you can believe that you have found the answer finaly...or kniew it always (the very tall lady in the long black dress a sensation you felt again standing outside the Empire State building...for the first time when visiting NYC) the answer being that you don't get to be that sad as a  human being because taht's God's portion...not  yourself...up to you to live a good life so he steps in at those times and gives  you a swift kick in the rear end...(3 cases of beer and a lid...maybe...I'd say so, sometimes)...wherein the party animal in you gets with the program because he uses us as pizzas as well...we don't listen, he consumes...like my little kitties...he holds all the winning cards in the dealt hand..heck we even have someone here named DELTA..lots of folks with the last name including 'burg..as in hamburg...auschweitz, belsenbelsen...treblinka (need to research that one somemore, suspect 'it had something to do with trains and such)...lesson for today and immediate future...you didn't make the rules, you're a tough nut..it's going to be ok...god loves you enough to give you the life you have and yo ucan make the most of it  however your heart requires...and listen to that because in this particular case you feel as though you're trying to talk yourself into caring aboutsomeone believing what your impressions of that are, when you've got to let go of the biggest piece of your heart you ever had to give in order to do so...and you feel as though that big chunk (like the candy bar..the big hunk) pull out a few teeth with that one...should get right in there where it was, all over again immediately...and it doesn't
so you feel a little angry with people in authority figures ie fire chief realtor business owner..figure they're all north K fucks with DOS written all over their .fat asses...just a little...hence dying kitties and ones left that have scalpels for claws in case you vaunt to pigg them .op hehe...OUCH!! so how to connect the dots...well big time cornholer is even more den s.call pull dude...he's Property Owner bank letter rider. fuck you in the arse dumbshit I don't care about you or nuthin cause I'm RED blood, see?  red...blood...that's where I get the NKD liscense..lisa...vagueness, grief...can't happen...back to the MP3.player (tu)..k..I'm, gonna t hrow out some stuff here and just go with it..far as that's concrned..
once upon a time russell was everything to me and now he isn't...Paul was, once upon a time, as was John and then George...then Mark, then I was married and that was like the plague, an awful experience liberated only by the second..tommy, who I never had the slightest affection for, but was comforted by because he listened and udnerstood and told me how it was, so I abided in him and that died as well...somewhere in there my youngest brother died so now he stands in the doorway of that ethereal place we know as love and he watches who comes in and how glows in that light as I do in that persn's presence and keeps out those who do not qualify as baby fische...ultimately, that is the philosophical tender of parsing the binary library SEMENTEC..time to take out the two bags of it under the bookshelf in the kitchen, hehe
also time to go home and rev up for BS...think of that what you will, abbreviation is within its right to be vague...hint: last week it was letters from Paul...duh
oh, a few more notes on that whom I shall call Darla's boyfriend..Blazer.mike/the candy Mike and Ike..the phone bill etc...rev in up to head out the door, he says he comes by and I'm never there?  huh?  that's probably GNP and so forth because our life as we know it now is pretty damn austere in terms of human exchange and to hug a baby whale in lieu of him who is replacing the wonderfulness of what I believ in before...yeah..that's going to take some doing...I think donuts would help..aarreeviderci...

last fall

says on the record here that this has not had a post since last september...wow...didn't realize it  had been that far back, since there was so much revolutionary material spinning around in the rinse cycle that I could have mentioned, like how cold it was all winter long and how grateful that there was at least an eb on the bed...have determined that MP/FF is all about the transitional issues so I concentrate my focus there with the help of a LC..which took a while to develop but ahhh, there it is now...itching to gthofh as the weather is so good, slight breeze and laundry waiting for the line.vacuums standing at attention, much build up of winter cruds hanging around waiting to be sorted...sunday is MOM's day and my MOM is one of those who would be interested to know what day it actually is...writing off the top of my head and the bottom of my shoe, toes kind of chilly, prefer to be in the sunlight...cant wait to gtfoh, hehe

what's going on in this world of mine??duh..

it's pretty nice again...got to leave a message with hoohoo but I doubt he gets it...lost his cp(cellphone) and so that may be why he hasn't called at all but then, who knows..might be tired of me, that could happen easy enough..other than that...had a burpday and it went with the announcement from Mom that there will be no more presents from her...kind of a letdown to say the least but eh...we know how it goes...she barely knows her own name anymore so who would be doing the talking there?  she wants me to wait on her when we are at friday lunch, I don't mind this but yet the no more birthday presence kind of throws me into a dark corner that I don't know where to find the overhead light...and I wonder what will become of my hopes and dreams now I don't have my little job with JW anymore...she just kind of cut me loose after she got that indictment from her cardiac physician, like I had something to do with her health, I was trying my best always to keep her in the light but now I'm told that I wasn't thorough or efficient enough and so someone else has taken my place, someone JW loaned money to and is being paid back by cleaning for her, which I had done for the last four years...like a chapter in my life suddenly ending and I am sad about it...but, that's the way it goes...I feel heavy hearted about that but it's better because JW never had kind things to say about DL...'watch out for HIM' and so on, and he's after JS and so on...I doubt it...meanwhile, I was wanting to post this last tuesday and there was no internet here but now there is (VC) so I can say what's on my mind and let it flow...my garden at JW's is looking like 'where's Momma??' but I can't go there even though I am very curious how the zucchini did and if the pumpkin survived...the two kittens of Rocky are Balboa and Sylvester, Sylvester has the markings of an orca and should go to DL but I have to wait for DL to get in touch and I don't see that happening and I am sad about it but Thu's father and mother are going back to NV and that has something to do with the bigger picture but I don't know what, and then there is Tim who is my little brother John's holocaust mainframe/music and rhetoric apparently were his main attributes...Tim accompanied me on my birthday to the Beaver Chili Cookoff and we danced but I was adamant that he not touch me in any way...isn't that so strange?  but that's how it was...there is nothing intimate in my relationship with Tim and he's around occasionally, in fact, if DL has let me go and I don't know that but he left a facebook post that he'd lost his cellphone and all his numbers and to call him so could I do that?  that I can't decide I feel as though he's said bye bye indirectly but he wasn't that kind of social anyway...brusque is the best word for what he was...oh yes and the co op...now...we work there for nothing and expect great returns from who?  Langley?  that's long in coming if so...we've got DOS on M and A and yet we get the feedback in buckets of poop mostly...it's a good process if you're the family dog and I'm not that so I wonder...oh yeah and since the demise of JW..there is now Miss Dana which would be the bauding up of Edna...or Alice whathave you...and Dana has a harley she's selling for 12g pretty blue my birthstone color Sapphire...which you know that'd be fun but well...again...was promised a little gig there helping get the place she got cleaned up and here comes Rachel to to do the honors...Lisa walks to the mailbox here from accross the street...we're wondering why the mailbox out front has to go..couldn't be JF and co making it home away from home? trailer and so on...so Wolfe L and V still riding the herd at SW but it's obvious the last leg M has to stand on and fallout is very costly DL??ok enough...said it all...going home to tar in a bit..

ok a general overview in terms of 'hmm'...my thoughts take flight and my mind has wings...or something..oh yeah, since we're doing 'old commercials' today and referring to them..."Wears the BEEF!!!" or what bugs me

so,,la di and dah hasn't had time for me much and when he does he's CURT and 'don't touch that' and here I am baby..(oh no baby in there either) but I accept this because I understand how it goes he's 'fission' a lot of the time and we DO know what that means so he'll hear that and know I wear a wedding ring now and have since June...so anyway why complain (a post from my mom about that as well...clears throat and thinks about what I use tobacco for...just a list of litanies about how life could be better, but it's great anyway because you can always NOT be there when someone isn't your big friend and associate, or lover)
that's the great part of my life, that I always am safe in any situation because I talk straight from my soul and don't try to cope with what I cannot change about anyone else..
so there was this guy in high school...his name was Mike Blazer and boy was he HOT..you talk about your male god..this was him...but then, as far as I could see, good 'ol Mike Blazer was a looker and all that
but what he wasn't was much of a brain...he might even have been conceited as far as that goes, what I saw in him was kind of like - probably - a sex object, a person that we gals could wet our pants over..wish fervently that he'd dig on me, but yeah, why would he, dorky little freak that I was then ( and now, no doubt, becauseI'm worse than Stevie Wonder blind when it comes to my own attractiveness) and other than personal hygiene which is for me pluck the eyebrows shave the pits douche the pussy shave the legs...eat salal berries, kegel.. run, walk swim eat healthy and above all don't get STRESSED..and by the way, I hate the word Pussy...it just kind of feels like it means run out and kick any available cat hard...why? because it refers to female genitalia and for some of us, we've been like cauterized in our cervix so the vagina doesn't know it's connected to the big world outside the internal function of that muscle...and as far as clitoris, hmmm, that hangs out like the dog's weinie and never gets any play at least in this round..so it's all good because his seems to get smaller and less important as time goes by, I mean, really? that song
is that all there is?  well, IS that all there is?  used to be even though it was like an 'ironed' clit...it would bloom inside like so many dozens of roses..really great you gotta wonder who's stealing that now?
meanwhile, I'm going with COACH..as far as how I play it which is be true to self, enjoy time allowed/allotted, forget hearing about that I'm indian crap because we are too..maybe mine's more noble?  dunno...maybe artificial environment of buildings/cars really really bugs us? maybe it's my work which is WHAT??had my sign out front of the house when I first got back to town and one caller asked if I were legit and I said 'is our society?'  hehe..and I had to thank Sig for that, his little cedar continues to thrive on the front drive..that's an issue too like Sig gets in there with each encounter with the big ol bad stuff..oh god you should a seen Mike Blazer in high school when I was in 8th grade yowie..like touch the iron with a wet finger to see if it's hot enough to iron with...sizzly..and MB went with Darla Doran who was a cute as a cutton back then blonde hair black eyebrows blue eyes/little Sis had red curly hair and pippi longstocking freckles, nice people each girl in that family prettier than the next and they all married up with the men I lusted after.. so I don't suppose Darla married Mike Blazer but he was sure cute and so was she...dream couples...people you think will surely get it right but they probably don't, like I am now visiting with a local native who has the absolutely trashed up es house you ever saw and is typical of his village how it's kept like most of the time the wooks have it because LB (loverboy) is fission...make sense?  does to me and so is this open ended tell all thing I got going on here this afternoon like you don't come and bother me about what I say here I just kind of call it like it is which is well...still a foldup hospital bed in the living room no tv but he said that was coming in today and he'll be back to watching bear programs again and DON"T TOUCH THAT DIAl...like he runs the sawmill in Amanda Park and his name is Pancho Leiza...well, Picasso ain't even going to touch that one is he?  meanwhile have to watch transvestite child molester brutal animated corpse bitch whom I have nightmares about throw wait around in my face like you know this ain't never gonna work with this guy because he's riddled with our fares...so I have nightmares about that and confront her and say CT get the f out of my face and she don't does she...nah...and it's me doing the driving to the res not his coming to my place nor is there any intimate time at all it's just like he's dreaming and I'm providing a pillow which gives me a headache to contemplate but finally I got the cute guy I lusted after to pull my pants down and that's what he's doing, and not much more..kinda sucks but there it is and I'm a big girl...I been psychoanalyzing this up one side and down the other and well..am not falling for that if you let him screw you he'll let you hang around nonsense because it's gotta be more than that and we're working towards what it will become in a great quantuum leap that doesn't let me see him posting pictures of himself with other women on facebook...ok? I'm ok...takes a deep breath watches the mail delivery guy empty the box out front of the office...through the window...still learning the writing craft apparently but wanting to say what's in my head in a way that doesn't make me sound self patronizing and I hope this is at least accurate in that regard so big love in the indian world takes on two and respects the burpenfarter part of it with a little help from r2Dtu..who does annihilate the tobacco element whenever it raises its ugly head...his isn't..does he know that?  I think he's expecting that I should know my own appearance by now but I do not...so..that's something to work on and my daughter says he has a 'mullet' haircut but it's just long really long...like mine, like anybody not in their body but aware of their genetic identity, one of the great tribe of man...from whatever tree world that we sprung, sprang..probably should write a story about it and not joke that she was walking down the beach and he was out on the water catching fish and she texted him did he want some cookies for dessert tonight because she was thinking of peanut butter...
and he said in reply that sounds yummmy, like you..
that sort of thing so I should go home and not worry I sprang the last leak in the boat, hehe
love you world/jung freud